For those of you who haven’t been following long, 2015 was a big year for KaboodleDad and I – we had fertility treatment.
Well, more specifically I had fertility treatment; a laparoscopy, metformin, and clomid.
I have PCOS (PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome) and having a baby has always proved VERY difficult (if you don’t include that one time I got pregnant with Miss Kaboodle.)
We’ve always known we’ve wanted more children and even ended up accidentally pregnant when Willow was 3 months old. Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage but that’s okay, we’ve moved on from that.
At the beginning of 2014 we decided to start trying for a baby and that saw us right the way through until our second round of clomid in 2015.
I’ll be honest, the clomid made me bat shit crazy, I mean totally loose! I found it very difficult to comprehend the hormonal changes, and spent a lot of the time angry, frustrated and paranoid. I would have probably taken it a bit better if I had actually ovulated, then I’d be able to understand why my body was causing me to want to kill things while they slept, but they didn’t. I never ovulated, the clomid wasn’t working and I couldn’t understand how I was so terribly affected by something that wasn’t doing what it was supposed to do.
My gynae said at the start of the second round that he would go for a third round at double the dose, if that failed to work, it was the end of the line. After finding out that the second round didn’t raise my levels AT ALL, I gave up.
I couldn’t continue feeling so depressed and stressed and worked up all the time.
So our Not Trying, Not Preventing (NTNP) journey began.
If I’m honest, I’d reached a point where I was ready to stop trying, we’d already had a few breaks here and there anyway because I found it very difficult to feel happy during the TTC months, knowing that I was the reason we couldn’t conceive.
I had quietly hoped that we were both contributing to the problem but when we received the news that Kaboodle Dad’s little swimmers are in fact, Champion Swimmers, I just couldn’t bare it. I blamed myself and mentally I was in a very bad place.
Life NTNP has been kind to us, we’ve reconnected in the bedroom very well, not that we were ever ‘not connected’ but sometimes it’s like “hey babeh, my ovaries might be making an egg, wanna fill me up just in case?” I know it’s a bit gross but that’s the brutal truth, trying for a baby when you’re reproductively challenged (or at all, actually) means sex becomes a means to an end, less fun, less loving and more of a chore. So yeah, we’ve managed to become more connected, more open and more loving when life allows us enough time to be together intimately.
Mentally, I have been doing much better, which has been a huge relief, I’ve not only reconnected with Meirion but Willow’s and my relationship has never been better. She is much more understanding now she’s getting older and I am also more understanding and aware of her likes and dislikes, we’re able to connect over mutual interests and because I’m more relaxed, so is she.
There are some downsides though, it’s very easy to slip back into the habit of ‘symptom spotting’ because there is nothing to stop me from thinking What If?
I’ve done it quite a few times, actually, and even went as far as to start testing daily for a bit.
I think about various things and how they could mean that I’m pregnant, but, it always ends up coming to an end when AF turns up.
I never feel sad or down about seeing AF, sometimes I even feel relief. I am looking forward to having time to myself when Willow goes to Full Time School in September, I think I will benefit massively from having a bit of a break. It may sound selfish but I have been through hell these past four years, a break is well deserved.
I’m also hoping to start working, and learning how to drive and I feel that having another baby will set me back again, I’ve come very far, I don’t want to start all over again right now.
With all that said though, I can’t bare the thought of not having the chance to get pregnant, or using contraception. Meirion and I are in a great relationship so if a baby does come along, we know we will embrace it and run with it, so there’s no need for contraception.
I don’t know if I’ll ever ovulate, or if I do, whether or not I would even get pregnant but, I’m currently content. I don’t feel like my body clock is ticking, which is the first time in my life I haven’t felt this way, that in itself is a breath of fresh air and even though I still symptom spot, I think it’s just a case of “old habits die hard.”
I still get the odd pang of jealousy. It’s a very strange thing to experience and almost selfish, there are moments when I will see a pregnancy announcement or hear a friend is expecting and I fill with the familiar feelings of envy and hate. It’s a strong word, but for a few brief moments, I hate the pregnant person. I think ‘what have you got that I haven’t?’ and it upsets me. Luckily, it’s a fleeting moment, I am able to get over those horrible feelings relatively quite quickly and then embrace the news just as anyone else would. Which is nice, and unfamiliar, because in years passed I have gone as far as to stop speaking to people when they’ve found out they’re pregnant.
I am comfortable with my choice to stop trying and down days happen fewer and farther between, which is also nice, because while we were trying (and for the majority of my adult life) every day was a down day. Every morning would be a ‘am I pregnant today?’ Day and to be honest, it’s horrible to live a life that is full of so much negativity. So it’s nice waking up in the morning and the first thing I’m concerned about is hot tea, rather than peeing on a stick.
I don’t find it difficult to discuss anymore, but, I do still get very aggravated by the “anymore kids?” Question, and the whole “we thought you’d have another one by now! What’s taking you so long? (Hahahah)” – because they always add that ridiculous laugh at the end! Those types of questions still get under my skin, they probably always will because it’s not nice knowing I’d have maybe 3 children by now if my body permitted it!
(So go fuck yourself and your stupid questions!)
Other than that, I am generally in a good place when it comes to my fertility. It’s the first time I’ve truly been able to enjoy Sex for what it is without crossing my fingers and hoping tonight’s the night every time. It’s also very nice to be able to make plans for things that I wouldn’t normally plan to do ‘in case I’m pregnant by then’ – we’re hoping to do a lot of camping this summer, it’s something KaboodleDad and I both love and now Miss Kaboodle is older and more understanding, it’s something we can do! It’s exciting and because I’m not worried about getting pregnant, it’s something we can actually plan to do, and that’s something that makes me very happy.
So right now, that’s how life is Not Trying, Not Protecting.
It’s good, and nice, and calm.