Today I am Facing my demons.
Over the last year or so, I have slowly allowed my emetophobia to take control of my life.
I’ve been trying to ignore it, trying to pretend it’s not happening and I’ve been telling myself that it will go away.
It has not gone away, it has gotten worse. I have reached a point where I now have a very bad relationship with food, I won’t eat takeaways, I won’t eat food that has been opened more than two days, and a whole host of other irrational things.
The worst part about it, is the social anxiety. I can’t stand being around too many people at one time, or I can be around people, but I am constantly watching them to see if they’re showing any signs of illness. I am constantly questioning whether or not someone is going to be sick.
It’s all about the sick.
It’s all I think about.
It’s gotten to a point where now when I find myself daydreaming, my thoughts surround sick…. Willow is sick, I am sick, Meirion is sick.
It’s bad enough to make me stop allowing Willow certain foods. I don’t want her to have an ice cream because it might make her sick. I don’t want her to have a sweet treat because it might make her sick. I am constantly beating myself up about it, because I don’t want to deny Willow anything that would give her a normal experience of childhood but at the same time, my fear eats away at me so much that I can’t bring myself to do it. I feel very insecure about it too, because I know if I continue to believe that foods can make me ill, I will pass this onto her and I wouldn’t wish this on my enemies, so god forbid should I pass it onto Willow.
There is a lot to this issue, I know it’s my Mental health, what I don’t know is whether it’s connected to my Post Natal Depression, I don’t know if it’s something to do with my childhood, I don’t know why it is as bad as it is, but I can’t continue telling myself that it will get better. When I look at things rationally and realise that I don’t want to eat certain foods, and that I won’t eat anything away from home anymore, I know it has reached a point where I am unable to help myself anymore.
I won’t eat takeaway food, I won’t go out for food, I try to avoid certain foods as much as possible, I don’t trust my own cooking, I only trust foods if Meirion cooks them. If I am the one who cooks the food, I overcook everything in case I undercook everything.
There is so much that is entwined with this, I get really bad nightmares and suffer with anxiety, I often have morbid thoughts, dark thoughts about people around me dying and an overactive imagination fuels the fire that I create just by thinking the dark thoughts. It’s a very internal thing, something that can’t be seen and something I often hide. My worst fears come to life in my mind sometimes but they seem so real, I often feel the emotions in real life.
It’s a snowball of things that manifest as a severe fear of sick and it’s something that is proving very difficult to just forget about. For the past two years, I have battled with this, that’s why I don’t know exactly why or how I have managed to reach this point but I have made the first step towards recovery.
I have an appointment with my doctor this evening.
I am very apprehensive, I don’t really know how to handle the appointment, I don’t know whether or not I can get help off my doctor, I just don’t know.
This post is a deep one, I am hoping that one day I will be able to read it and realise that I made the right choice, or that one day Willow will read this and know I did everything I could in my power to make sure that she never has to see me fearful of something so unavoidable, and that I did all I could to make sure I didn’t pass this terrible thing over to her.
I hope that this demon doesn’t affect my relationship with Meirion, and that one day I am able to go out to eat with him, and celebrate things with him somewhere nice.
I hope that one day, I will be able to go to a family gathering without feeling stressed, anxious and wanting to leave.
There’s hope that I can get over this and it means that I have to take this first step, no matter how scary I find it.
Hopefully, from today onwards, I will be able to say that I am getting better.
As always, thanks for reading.