The reason for this is because I don’t really have much to update on. I have already written about how this cycle feels like a dud and how I think it is a failure already, even though at the time I wasn’t even half way through.
I decided that I would stop doing the OPK’s, it was becoming expensive and although I know they are a huge help, because of my lack of faith in this cycle, I decided not to waste any more money doing them daily because I didn’t actually see a point in them. Not when I felt, and still feel, that there’s absolutely nothing going on with my ovaries this cycle. It sounds so stupid, to say I know the clomid hasn’t worked this cycle when I could say there is still a chance and be hopeful but I just know there is nothing going on down there that wasn’t before and we all know that there was actually nothing going on down there as confirmed by my gynaecologist.
The truth is, I have no optimism for this cycle, I don’t feel hopeful, I don’t think there’s a chance and the strangest part about all of that is the fact that I don’t feel bad about it. I am actually quite content with the fact that I know this cycle is a failure.
I think I feel okay with things because I also don’t feel as hormonally imbalanced as I did on the first cycle and I have managed the best part of this cycle fine, I have had days which have been emotional but I think that comes with the day itself rather than actual hormones. That’s nice, because I felt so unbalanced during the first cycle that it put me off taking the tablets and it sure as hell made me think twice about taking the double dose.
That is still an issue. At the moment I still feel like I wont take them again in the double dose. I am very scared about the effect the 100mg will have on me. I am assuming that I am having an easier time this cycle because my body had already been exposed to 50mg of clomid for 5 days, I fear that upping the dose will make me have a really bad cycle like I did the first time around. That really does make me feel edgy because I don’t like feeling so overwhelmed, relying on meditation and breathing exercises to keep me sane and get me sleeping at night. I just really want to feel normal, whatever normal is. For me, I’d be happy if I could go to bed at night and go to sleep without having to do repetitions of the 4-7-8 breathing technique while I imagine over and over the colour black. That would be really nice. Alongside that I would like to be able to deal with things better, like I used to, instead of boiling over at the first sign of trouble.
All in all, I am fine. I am happy with how things are progressing and KaboodleDad and I have both said if I choose not to take the clomid, it doesn’t mean the end of our journey, it just means that it could take longer. We’ve both said that we’d be happy to let nature take its course, like it did when we fell pregnant with Willow. I feel that I am in a place where I can do that, I don’t have to rush things and I feel that is okay. Until Aunt Flo arrives, I don’t have to think about the next cycle and my app says I have another 9 days to wait until I see her, That means, for at least another week, I can enjoy feeling this way and not be worried about things.