I have been trying for days and days to get this post written and it’s taken me forever because of how stupid I feel!
Sounds crazy, but my mind is working on overdrive and I seem to be finding it difficult to write. Actually come to think about it, I’ve been having trouble speaking too, not in a bad way but I mean I’ve been having trouble remembering words, I’ll be mid-sentence and I’ll just start saying ‘uhhhhmmmm…’ for about 5 minutes before I give up and change what I was trying to say into something that I wasn’t going to say but have to use because I can only think in basic English. Like the other day I was trying to say ‘procrastination’ and I came up with ‘when you’re being lazy but you’re not being lazy because you’re doing something but that something is not the thing that you’re supposed to be doing.’
It’s madness! I said a whole sentence instead of one word because I cant seem to remember certain words when I need to. That’s not even the worse part! Half the time I’m thinking in Welsh, which is even worse, because I don’t really remember how to speak Welsh very well so even that’s difficult! I have no idea how to switch it off either, like it’s just there, in my mind, it’s all I can think about; what is that word??
You think that’s bad enough? Nah, it gets infinitely worse, I cannot stop listening to music in my mind either, most recently it’s a song from the movie ‘home’ sung by Rihanna and it’s just there, at the back of my mind playing over and over and over again, not the whole song just “I wanna dance in the dark, we can light up the night,” and then I’ll just sing that over and over again until it eventually turns into the chorus but I don’t know the words to the chorus so I start hearing Rihanna’s voice going ‘hmmh hmhmh hmhmmh’ because If my mind doesn’t know the words then the Rhianna in my mind isn’t going to know the words! I have thoughts swimming around my mind, its like everything I am trying to think is being drowned out by the song but I’m still thinking about it because I cant remember a word! It Literally feels like my mind is at a party and its trying to talk over really loud music but it cant because the music is interfering with what its trying to think making it forget things.
If that’s not bad enough, it’s incessant, the other night I didn’t get to sleep until about 2am because my mind was racing (and singing) and I couldn’t even think straight enough to switch off. I ended up feeling sick because I’d worked myself up into a frenzied state of anxiousness and I couldn’t for the life of me, calm myself down. I tired reading, I thought If maybe I read it would calm the noises in my head but I just kept getting distracted, In the end I had to pull out all the stops and stick on some guided meditation.
All this is probably irrelevant, or not necessarily irrelevant but probably not a direct result of taking Clomid. Although I would argue that the anxiety is, the forgetful DJ that I’ve got going on inside my mind isn’t but I cant help but feel like it is all connected anyway.
feeling the way I’ve been feeling hasn’t helped situations either, I’m so very tense all the time, I don’t feel relaxed at all, I feel on tenterhooks at all times which is making me very, very quick to anger which only makes me feel worse and add more stuff to think about to the ever-expanding thought cloud inside my mind.
I shouted at willow the other day for falling over! She fell off a chair and instead of asking if she was hurt I immediately shouted at her for not listening and being naughty. She wasn’t even being naughty! Just curious and I was just so quick to snap and she cried which only made me more angry and in the end I sent her to sit on the sofa with a drink because I couldn’t deal with her crying and my anger. It was when she was going to bed later that night I cuddled her and gave her a kiss and she said to me “I love you mummy,” and my heart broke in two. I was horrible to her, without any true reason I shouted when I should have been supportive because my anxiety is heightened because my hormones are out of whack because of my stupid, broken body. I spent the majority of that evening think about how bad I am at being a mum and how stupid I am to want another baby when all I’m doing is fucking up my first born!
Its like this all the time. I have spent the last 20 minutes typing exactly how I’m feeling, there’s no blog-ego going on here, this is real life, this is my life, this is fertility treatments.
The other day I cried because we discussed throwing away teddies because Willow has so many. I broke my heart crying at the thought of seeing teddies in a dump and also because I had a very special teddy when I was little who I would still have today if it weren’t for my mother. That teddy did end up on a dump and I just had a picture in my mind of his head poking out of the top of a pile of waste all dirty and ripped and it, well even typing it up has made me well up again.
I Just think that my hormones are savages at the moment and having bare-minimum coping mechanisms for anger and frustration (since I’m usually so placid and care-free) I am having a hard time getting a grip on what is actually happening to me and my body and my mind.
I know that the ultimate goal from clomid is to get pregnant and I don’t know how many times I’ve said this before but I really am getting to a point where I think having another child is a bad idea. Even more so if this is how I’m going to be feeling from taking the clomid. Lets not forget that I’m still only taking 50mg, I don’t even dare think what 100mg would do to me. Yesterday I had to leave my nieces first birthday party because I was so overwhelmed with anxiety that I thought I was going to throw up, which made it all the more worse because of my fear of sick. I’m fed up of feeling so on edge, I haven’t had any patience and I’m struggling to find time to sit down with willow and play because I’m so quick to anger at the smallest of things that I’m scared I might make her upset because I might get upset at something… its really hard and I am finding it very difficult to manage my feelings. I hate that I am having mental health issues because of my infertility and it’s treatment. When Willow was little and I had post-natal, I tried so hard and did so much to make myself better without the help of drugs and I did it! I got there, I got to a point where I felt better than I ever have before and now, well now there’s this, these feelings of anger and frustration. The feeling that I am not enough, the questions, the anxiety, the insecurity. It’s like I never did any of the stuff I did to help me get better! I hate that!
The only thing that seems to help is crafting. I have been crocheting up a storm trying to stop myself from feeling the anxiety and it works, it works really well but then when the crafty bits and bobs are put away I start feeling anxious again. I am looking forward to next week, Willow has a day off school and I’m gong to use that day to actually do some crafting with her. We haven’t had the chance to craft together since she is out of the house so much now but I know we will have lots of fun and I am looking forward to that.
I know this cycle will fail. I know it already so the only question I have to think about is whether or not to take the increased amount of clomid for round 3. I am more inclined to say that I won’t at this very moment in time, whether that will change is beyond me, I will just have to see how I feel when I get to that point.
In the mean time, I think meditation is something I need to focus on, It really does help and I do relax much better and quicker when I listen to it. Along with crafting, crochet and busying myself with this here blog. I think, what I am struggling with most is feeling myself. I haven’t felt like myself properly for months and months and I miss feeling content with myself. I know I need to relax but saying and doing are two very different things and I think I need a break. I think I need to take some time to revaluate the situation and see how I feel because I don’t want to continue feeling like this if it is making me unhappy.
As always, thanks for reading!
Why not check out all the crochet I’ve been
talking about on Instagram?