We have Swimmers!

Lots and Lots of swimmers!

This is a trying to conceive post and will contain content that some readers may not feel comfortable reading.

So, as you all know, two weeks ago KaboodleDad had his Semen Analysis test. I wrote about how I felt that day and have since left it there.

Yesterday KaboodleDad Spoke to his doctor, the doctor told him there was absolutely nothing to be concerned about on his end of things, that he would print out a copy of the results and KD could collect them. He went to collect them and he brought them home for us to look at!

Well, the doctor was right, there is no need to worry. He’s come out above all the lower reference limits, like way over In some places.

With the lower limit for sperm concentration being 15million and his concentration coming back at 65million we really don’t need to worry about quantity…
His total count was 343 million with 55% having rapid motility and an overall Live sperm percentage of 74%!

There really isn’t anything to worry about, not that I was worried anyway, we have successfully conceived together twice, I didn’t have any concerns about that department but it is nice to see that he has great quality swimmers. Can’t fault him and his athleticness!

So, that brings us back to me. I’d be lying if I said that this was the first post I had typed up about this subject, its not, its the second post. The firs turned out to be more journal worthy than blog worthy… I only realised where I was heading when I typed out a sentence full of profanities and pointing out my hatred for the woman who gave birth to me.

It’s not that I wouldn’t share that stuff with you, I have before, but my negative frame of mind at the time of writing it was making the post into a sorry state of words mushed together by conflicting emotions.

Yes, I am still upset.
Yes, I am still angry.

What’s different this time around is the fact that I cant change anything. I have to get a hold on that fact… at the moment, I know our fertility issue lay with me and me alone, that hurts my feelings.
I have done so much, I’ve lost 35lbs, I’ve changed my diet, I’ve stopped smoking. I have questioned things and wondered why I bothered, but, at the end of the day, there is nothing I can do.

I cannot make my PCOS go away, it is a part of me. I cannot make myself have a period, that’s just how I work. I cannot have a baby if and when I want to, that’s just my life.

There really is nothing more I can do and if I wallow in self pity then I am only setting myself up for failure.

I struggle daily with anxiety, I don’t know if actually getting pregnant will help or hinder this. I wasn’t anxious like this when we weren’t trying for a baby, that’s all I’ve got to go on. I need to book in to see my doctor about my metal health, I know I do, but I have been putting it off because I don’t feel like they will help, its all well and good visiting a doctor but if their answer is anti depressants or sleeping pills, I’m not interested. I wanted to do life coaching again but its been cancelled so I can’t.

I try to pick myself up but I have found that its hard. I am looking forward to the school holidays being over so that I can spend some time focusing on myself. I’m hoping that will help. I am going to spend a month at home doing things for me before I make the decision to actually book in to see the doctor. Maybe just having time to relax will help. We will see.

So how is clomid round one going?

I’m currently on cycle day 24 and I’m yet to see a positive ovulation stick. So far, I have peed on 17 sticks and everyone of them has come back negative. I have been temping everyday, this is the first time I have managed to consistently temp everyday and there is one peak on the line, I don’t think that means that I ovulated though, maybe I’m wrong. I know women with PCOS can have all different levels of hormones and I know OPK’s aren’t recommended for us Cysters, more so, I think, because they can give false positives, but that’s the thing, I haven’t had a positive yet so I really cant say if that is true.
I haven’t managed to consistently check my cervix. I was doing it everyday but I started to forget and realised about 4 days later that I hadn’t been doing it.
I have kept my OPK’s from the whole way through and there are 3 sticks that do have darker lines than the rest before and after them, the lines are still lighter than the Control line though so, they’re negative.

My app say’s I can test for pregnancy in three days. I don’t know if I should or shouldn’t. I don’t feel like I should because, I haven’t ovulated but in the back of my mind I want to take one because I feel like there is a chance I could have ovulated and missed it somehow. I’ve even gone as far as to think that I ovulated on cycle day 7 or 8 because of the intense ovary pains I was having then but on the same hand, I think its just wishful thinking because I didn’t have any other signs.

The gynaecologist told me I would ovulate on day 14. I am yet to see a positive and I am beginning to wonder if I will at all. I don’t have any bodily signs of ovulation, I don’t have any bodily signs of impending period. I don’t have any bodily signs of pregnancy. On both of my pregnancies I had symptoms within a week, admittedly on Willow I didn’t know they were my symptoms but on the second pregnancy I knew immediately.
With all that said, I know if I did a test it likely to be negative.

My next appointment with the Gynaecologist is on the 18th. I’m hoping to see something happen before then, either ovulation or a period so I can go there and say something at least.

In the meantime, I am continuing to explore my own creativity and learn new things. I am finding that its helping me feel less anxious. I want to explore more creative avenues when Willow goes back to school. I am also keeping an open mind about job hunting. I just want to get this round of clomid done before I commit to something.

I guess its not much of an update. I do feel emotional. I do feel upset that we now know that it is only me holding us back and I hate that fact but I do know that there is nothing I can do so I have to work on feeling better in general. I guess I just have to take it day by day.

As always, thanks for reading!


6 thoughts on “We have Swimmers!

  1. Kyly Sheldon says:

    Oh my. What a whirlwind of emotions. You poor thing. It’s just a vicious cycle of trying not to stress and stay relaxed and positive, while stressing that you’re stressing because you’re not managing to relax. Why are our bodies so complicated?
    Glad you’re finding creativity to help you get your mind off things. It’s a wonderful distraction x

  2. Key tapping teacher says:

    I can not imagine what you are going through. I do know though, that in times of stress our bodies react in bizarre ways. You must find some time for yourself. Not next week, but today. Some time to breath. To sit quietly and stop. Stop thinking, stop doing and just feel your body talk to you. Love yourself, you are extraordinary and sure some of those things about your body are hard to accept, but hating them won’t help either. You probably would benefit from counselling, I know how hard it can be to admit and organise, especially when you have so many other appointments, but be selfish, you deserve to share without judgement. Take care.

  3. Amy M. says:

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so emotional and unsure about everything right now. It’s hard not knowing what in the world is going on in your body. I will say that I did use OPKs before I knew that I had PCOS, and it did help us get pregnant last year. So though I know that they can’t be trusted for us, I won’t say that they NEVER work…because it did work for us once. I still have some in the bathroom actually…not sure what I’ll do with them really!
    I think if you’re still struggling this much after you’re able to get some time to yourself, trying to get in to talk to someone might be very helpful. Good luck with everything!

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