The struggle I have with anger.

I have a fiery temper, I know this. I’ve always been one to lose it after some time, if all the buttons are pushed and I’ve reached the end of my wick, I lose my temper.

the same can be said for Miss Willow Kaboodle, she also has a very short fuse and all her toddler tantrums stem from having a lack of patience. My daughter is three going on thirty, she wants what she wants now, right now, NOW MUMMY, NOW! Well I can’t give her what she wants, not all the time. Of course, when she wants a hug, my arms are wide open, a kiss? I just pucker up there and then! When she wants something from the shop, it’s not as easy, I can’t just Magic a surprise egg out of thin air to please her. I can’t just drop everything and run to the nearest shop for a kinder egg. It’s not doable, it’s not even a thing! But Willow wants it and she’s wants it like yesterday.

Now, when I became a mum I quickly realised that I was in the deep end without a float or a single hope of getting anything right and I’ll tell you with my most honest of honesty, I was up shit creek without a paddle and I knew it. I hated it. I hated the way everything changed over night and it took me a hell of a long time to adjust. Now I did adjust, but as time goes by, babies grow and continue growing at a rate of knots and I have found myself in a situation where I can’t keep up.

Now, most of you know that I am a stay at home mum and I do a lot with Willow, just check out our art and craft section, you will see we spend time together getting crafty. It’s always fun but things have again changed and I yet again find myself struggling to keep up.

Willow is fast paced, she barely ever walks she just runs everywhere. She is interested In everything! That’s okay, don’t get me wrong, she knows the names of flowers and colours and numbers and it all stems from her curiosity. She likes learning but she also likes being independent. Fiercely independent.

Just recently I have noticed that everyday Willow is upset about something. I ask her what is wrong and she will say something so far from the truth that I can’t even fathom how she even thought it.

“What’s wrong willow?”

“I want my dad.”

“but you were crying because you spilt a little juice on your tee-shirt, want me to change it?”

“No, I want to have a new drink.”

“Want me to fetch you a new drink?”

“no, I want to lay down.”

her answers are ever-changing and I sometimes don’t know how to help her when she is upset. Sometimes we will be playing and I will say something along the lines of oh wow! Cool ball! And then it’s Bam! Tears, what the? What did I do? What did I say? I will try to stop her from crying and see what is wrong and she will say something like “I don’t like that ball”

but,

but,

but, we were playing with it just a minute ago and we were having lots of fun???

How am I supposed to rectify the problem if the problem isn’t really a problem at all?

I don’t pretend to be a good mum, I am good and I know I’m doing okay but there are these days where I feel like I am failing and lately, there’s more days like that than there is any other.

I’ve offered willow arts and crafts, she screams no! I’ve offered baking, no. Playing outside, no. Playing hide and seek! No. Playing with puzzles? No. Playing on the iPad? No. Reading a book? No.

But she continues to cry. She continues to be fussy and erratic. One minute laughing from the pit of her belly the next minute crying real tears because of WHATEVER.

This has been my life for the past few weeks and evidently, because I have been trying to work out what is up with Willow, other things have taken the back bench. This blog, my crochet, housework. Okay, so I managed to squeeze in bits and pieces here and there because I have a few minutes where she’s happy and content but it’s short-lived and more often than not, we’re back to full blow Niagra Falls tears within twenty minutes or so.

increasingly, as time has gone by, my fuse has become shorter and shorter and sometimes I feel like I could blow a gasket! Oh jheeze, there are times I have had to walk away from her because I have been so angry at her! Throwing things on the floor, like a full plate of food purely because I have asked her to sit nicely is just one of many examples I could give you!

Anyway, this has been going on for so long that I have been thinking and I’ve come to the conclusion that she is bored. Just plain old bored and she doesn’t have the first clue of how to deal with it. I realise I been trying to help her by offering things, it’s all well and good until she changes her mind half way through and wants to do something different! that’s her fast paced nature coming through and I can’t offer that quick change. I can’t just scoop up all the stuff we’ve dragged out because she wanted to paint and have something different on the table for her to do within a blink of an eye. These things take time, Willow doesn’t like waiting.

So everything, all of her current issues, I believe, stem from the fact that she has been going to playgroup and when she gets home, it’s just not the same. This, all rolled into one, is what makes my little one so unhappy and bored.

She is ready for full-time school. Now I’m quite happy to spend the day with her as long as we are getting on, but I cannot compete with her when she basically wants a whole nursery worth of entertainment, at home. I don’t have that. I can’t even offer anything close to that.

So, Kaboodle dad and I have been thinking of ways to address it. After all, Willow comes first and if she is unhappy, then we have to do something  to help her be happy. That’s our duty.

State nurseries for three-year olds offer a two and a half hour session five days a week. That’s amazing, and Willow was accepted into the school we wanted. Fab! But I was under the impression that she would be going for three and a half hours a day! We initially had her down for morning sessions but they started at 8:30 and finished at 11am. I don’t mind getting her to school by that time but knowing we would then have the rest of the day to fill and a lot fewer resources than nursery can offer, I made the decision to swap her from mornings over to the afternoon sessions. The headmaster agreed and instead of mornings, willow will now attend nursery in the afternoon. I have also collected forms to apply for her to have a position in the playgroup she already attends to fill up her mornings. They offer a ‘wrap around service’ basically, you drop your child off to them at 9:30am with their lunch box and their uniform and the playgroup then drop them down to the school in the afternoon, I will then have to collect her from school at the end of the day. This is something I am keen for willow to have, but it comes at a cost and so, I am going to start looking for a job.

That’s right, I am going to look for work. My daughter needs more stimulation that I can’t offer, therefore, it’s only right I do what I can in order to help her be more happy. A job.

it’s a whole scary process for me since I have been unemployed for four years. I have no qualifications and no experience in anything other than logistics. I feel a bit screwed, since I will have to try to find a position that’s during school hours. I’m optimistic though, I will do what I can and see how it goes. That’s all I can do to be a good mum to my daughter.

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6 thoughts on “The struggle I have with anger.

  1. Kyly Sheldon says:

    Goodness gracious me. I’d be at the end of my tether too. My munchkin is 15 months old and can already drive me up the wall and round the bend. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head though. Hope you find a job that suits your hours and that you like.

  2. Amy M. says:

    I hope the new schedule and activities can help to stimulate her while there and calm her at home. I can only imagine how tough it’s been for you with the constant changing moods. And good luck with finding a job where you can work the hours you need to, and enjoy what you’re doing!

    • Faye Elizabeth says:

      I hope so too! She helped me strip wall paper today and she’s been an absolute delight all afternoon! Just goes to show the amount of stimulation she needs really! Hopefully it will all work out, the only downfall is the limited hours, I can only be optimistic about it though and see how things go 🙂

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