A Mothers Monologue.

Today’s the day, I swear. I will not give in! Not today! I am going to say no to you child and I am going to mean it!

“let’s go shopping. We’re not going to be buying anything special today, we’re just going to do the shopping. okay?”

“Okay Mummy.”

Well that went better than expected. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll manage the shopping with no major incidents. *

Okay, okay so we’ve made it through the door, good start. Oh look! underwear is on sale, must check that out… oh Jesus! Why the hell is there a huge Minion stand next to the sale rail? like seriously ASDA? what? bugger it, My boobs can wait, I’m NOT going home with another minion, I’ll just slip past it and head for the fruit and veg instead. 

“I want strawberries!”

Oh god, I forgot how much she likes strawberry’s, it’s been a while since we bought some and I know she’s asked for them but they’re healthy and not a toy, that’s okay, I don’t mind getting a punnet of strawberries.

What’s next on the list? Milk, Cheese, yoghurt…cool, cool. I really wish I had a chance to go and see the sale rail, I seriously can’t deal with the underwire poking in my armpit anymore, maybe I’ll head there on our way back. She can’t really kick off if the shopping’s already done and if I’m quick!

“sit down please.”

“no, I want to help!”

“No you can’t, You’re too small. Sit back down in the trolley please!”

“NO!”

“YOU SIT BACK DOWN RIGHT NOW!”

Finally, she’s sat and quiet again. I wish she wouldn’t do this, if she could just understand that  she can’t just grab whatever and put it in the trolley! Awh man, I can’t wait until she’s like 6 and Can’t answer me back because she’ll know better.

“sit down, willow. I’ve asked you before. I’m not going to ask you again.”

“mummy, mummy, peppa pig non-nuts!”

“It’s YOG-HURT, It’s a YUH not a NUH, yoghurt, yog, YUH, YUH, like YOU and YELLOW, YUH.”

“yeah, NON-NUTS”

“yoghurts, It’s a YUH baby, Not a NUH.”

Man, she’s so cute when she messes up her words. I wish she was this age forever, It’s so cute!

“mummy, PEPPA PIG NON-NUTS”

“oh yeah, yeah! okay babes, chuck ’em in.”

Where was I? oh yeah, she’s so cute,

“give me a kiss you cheeky monkey!”

Whats next on the list? Where’s the list? Where did I put that? Ah, got it. Right. UHHM, beans, bread, cereal…  got it. I hope they’ve got my size br.. ooh look, passata’s on offer, half price, I’ll grab two.

“sit down please baby, not long now.”

“mummy, Look! toys!”

shit, I totally forgot we were headed for the toy isle. shit, uhhmmm

“not today baby, come look at this, theres beans down here!”

why is this trolley so hard to push today? jheeze..

“stop crying Willow. I said no. We didn’t come to buy toys, we came to buy food, look, should we go see what biscuits they have?”

“yeahhh”

Won’t harm to grab a packet, we go through biscuits pretty quick anyway. What is going on with this trolley? My back’s starting to hurt, oh god,

“stop picking your nose.”

I wish you wouldn’t do that. This trolley is doing my head in.  Where’s the isle for the cereal?

“can you see the breakfasts?”

“I want chocolate breakfast!”

“NO.”

wow. I meant that one. fair play to me. right, cereal. ah up here. OH for fu..

“stop it, you’re not getting out of this trolley.”

“I want to walk!”

“no, not today baby. mummy has a bad back.”

“I want to walk!”

“no, I sai.. You are not getting out!”

“sit down.”

That woman is looking at me,

“sit down, now.”

She’s still looking, why do you always do this? why do I always have to fight you?

“SIT.DOWN.”

you little shit. I just told you a million times. I wish that woman would top staring! YEAH, I’d have abandoned it too IF IT WASN’T MINE! I  hope she spotted my death stare back at her.

“SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!”

Did I just growl?

“why are you crying?”

“NO”

NO? what does she mean NO? that’s not even, ahhh I swear I cannot wait until she’s older. I seriously cannot wait. did I grab the cheese? yeah, yeah. Got it. Where’s the list? I can’t find it. man, I’m gonna have to go into this blind…

cereal,

“you’re not having the frozen cereal.”

bread,

“stop crying Willow. I told you we were coming for food and nothing else. you are not having the billy bear ham!”

why? how am I back in the chilled section? wait, I needed cat food. that’s over there.

“sit down.”

she’s been crying now for a solid five minutes. everyone is looking at us like I cant control her, like she’s a naughty child. she’s not even that naughty! maybe I should se if the books are still on offer, that will shut her up.

“shall we go and see the books?”

“YES!” 

gee whizz! that was a fast attitude change. It’s like she’s bipolar. HAH! I knew it would stop her from crying. I don’t mind buying books anyway, they’re not exactly a bad thing to buy. I wonder if  they’ve got anything there for me? I could do with something new to read!

“shut up! We’re nearly there!”

right, We’re done. she’s got two new books and is now sat quietly in the seat. I’ll just head to the tills, this trolley is driving me insane and I have a headache. what till? oh there’s a short queue…

DAMN! Why’d I end up picking the till displaying the kinder eggs? damn it, I really hope she wont noti..

“LOOK MUMMY SURPRISE EGGS!!”

awwwwhhh maaannnn

“not today baby, you had one the other day”

Here we fucking go!

“fine! fine! You can have a kinder egg but you don’t open it until after dinner.”

I swear. To God. How I have not lost the plot is beyond me! I cannot stand it when she’s so naughty. seriously! why is she so naughty?

“excuse me, would you scan this first please?”

Make is snappy,

“Thanks”

“here you go Willow, hold your kinder egg nicely and don’t open it!”

Damn it! I forgot the bags again!

“I’ll have three bags please.”

One day, I’m going to come shopping by myself and it’s going to be the best day ever. I’m so glad she’s sat quietly so i can pack up all the shopping and get the hell out of here. frozen in with frozen, chilled with chilled. dry with dry. All done. WHAT IS THAT ON HER FACE?

“you opened your kinder egg?”

“Oh, WILLOW!!”

I am so done. We’re going home!

*****

OH MAN! I FORGOT TO CHECK OUT THE SALE RAIL!!!

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11 thoughts on “A Mothers Monologue.

  1. ayuj28consul says:

    The Kinder Eggs remind me of my younger bro, though he’s 10….
    Still he always goes crazy behind ’em….
    What I do is, show him the eggs and he goes crying to my parents who have no other option than buying him, and in the process I nab myself a Snickers too 😛
    (I just LOVE Snickers!)

  2. Ina Library says:

    Haha! What a ride you take readers on with this dialogue! Your little one sounds like a riot! 🙂 Thank you for sharing this and making me laugh. I’m glad I am not the only Mom who feels like she’s going insane sometimes, in desperate need of quiet solo shopping! 🙂

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