This post is a trying to conceive post.
Visiting the Gynaecologist.
Yesterday, was our second visit with the gynaecologist, my follow up appointment after having my laparoscopy. We arrived what we thought was only 15 minutes late due to traffic, then we realised that my appointment was at 1:30pm – we had arrived at 3:45pm since I thought my appointment was at 3:30! I don’t even know how I managed to screw it up but somehow I did!
Luckily, the gynaecologist was “in a good mood,” acording to the receptionist and after being asked, the Gyn said he’d still see me. Great! I thought, and we went and sat down to wait. After 20 minutes or so I was called into his office. I went in, sat down and he asked me a couple of questions, then asked if he’d seen me before. This annoyed me, obviously you’ve seen me, you cut me open and looked at my ovaries, jerk! I’m not a huge fan of his after he made me feel upset on the day of the operation! Anyway, negative emotions aside, I kept my cool and answered his questions, explained to him about taking metformin and how it affected me so badly. I was hoping for some sort of alternative, something which would help me get my periods on track.
*I realise that this journey is called our trying to conceive journey, but it’s also more than that. This, for me, has been a huge learning curve about my body, I’m slowly starting to tune into it properly and realise how it works. The last two years have been terrible in terms of Aunt Flo, at one point I had gone 8 months without seeing her once. Now, I understand you can’t get pregnant without ovulating and I know ovulation is key to having regular periods, I have neither. It wouldn’t be such a problem if it wasn’t potentially setting me up for all manner of nasty problems in my later years. I can’t understand why focus is so much on the pregnancy than getting the periods under control. But I digress, if it was just about the periods, I’d be on the pill, which is an alternative I hate by the way. The contraceptive pill, in my opinion, is more harm than it is good. I’m left with no choice but to get pregnant, take birth control or stay as I am, irregular. As it stands, I feel unsure about another baby, I don’t want to take BCP and I certainly don’t want to be irregular forever, since that’s bad for my health.
Long story cut short, I was in the Gyn’s office a mere 5 minutes, by the end of which, he had prescribed me clomid. 50mg a day for 5 days CD 2-6. He told me ovulation should occur on day 14, he gave me two blood work forms, one for this cycle and one for the cycle with clomid, each to check progesterone levels to indicte whether ovulation has happened.
He didn’t offer any advice about the clomid, I had to ask about the risk of multiple births. He told me that in general, the population have a 1% chance of multiple births, taking clomid makes it a 3% chance. I told him I was unsure, he said its up to me if I take it or not.
After leaving, I took my prescription to the pharmacy, collected the pills and we were on our way again.
A few days ago, I opened up to Mr Kaboodle about my fears of having another baby and taking clomid. Both of which scare me. I know I want to have more children but the more time that has passed the less I have wanted it. We talked about it for a while, I said I’d likely turn down clomid and he agreed with me. We’re both off put by the chance of twins or triplets and I realise 3% is a small number but 3 couples per 100 make it more realistic to how likely it could be.
I am Currently on cycle day 4 of this cycle which means we have at least 5 or 6 weeks (maybe even more!) to figure out if we want to go ahead with the clomid. At the moment, I’m very confused. There’s the part of me that’s scared to move forward, I’m so comfortable right now, the most comfortable I have ever been with myself and my life. The fear comes from change with the added feeling of going back on myself. I’m 25, I’m unemployed, I have no career or qualifications. I have been out of school since I was 16 and out of work for nearly 4 years. As Willow gets older I have more time to myself, I could wait for her to start full time education and go back to college, learn something and finally have a qualification and start my career. If I went on to have another baby now, I am setting myself back by another 4 years at least, maybe even 5 or 6 depending on whether this clomid worked. My life long saying has always been to stop having children after the age of 30. I really don’t want kids over that age. I find myself wondering whether or not to step back on the idea of going to college next year and taking the next 4-5 years to have more children. I don’t want to have children over the age of 30 but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t learn a trade or get a qualification when I’m 30+ but, with that said, the longer I leave it, the less likely it is I will achive it.
It’s a tough choice. As things are, I still don’t know what I want to do. I am stil unsure of whether or not this is right or if I am rushing things. My fear outweighs my want for a child but knowing that the tablets sit out my kitchen just waiting to be taken and knowing the opportunity they give me, it’s hard to look away. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it agian, I know for certain that I want more children, I don’t think I could go on with life knowing I would never have more, especially because I want a son and always said I wouldn’t stop until I had one. It’s just, I know first hand how hard parenting is, how harrowing post natal depression is and I really don’t want to have that again. Yeah, I could manage another kid but I don’t know if I could manage a new born, a child and post natal, with no friends or direct family around me. (except for my Wonderfull partner and daughter)
I’m glad Meiron and I have a good relationship where everything gets out on the table and I can be openly honest about my fears. I guess the next month or so will be filled with a lot of conversations about expanding the family is what we want or not.