My stupid body.

**********This is a trying to conceive post and will be talking about lady things!

**********
Two weeks ago I stopped taking the metformin. Within a day or two I felt so much better, it was clearly obvious then, how much the metformin actually did affect me. I was so glad I was advised to stop taking it rather than having to continue with it and persevere. As a result, I wasn’t ill for our holiday, which is obviously a good thing.
The downside to stopping is the fact that I find myself back at square one. Infertile, with no idea of if I can be helped or not. Since the doctor told me that ovarian drilling was unnecessary and I wouldn’t qualify for IVF, the only options that I really have is to use metformin and eventually clomid. Having reacted adversely to the original metformin, I have the option of trying another one, one the doctor calls ‘slow release’ metformin. He told me that lots of women get along better with the slow release version than the normal version because the slow release means the body isn’t hit with a wave of it, reducing nausea and other side affects. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather be taking those than the original ones but I can’t help but feel a twinge of anger towards having to take anything. My stupid body. 

The next thing that gets me concerned is having to take the clomid. Clomid increases the chances of multiple births. The first time I took clomid, many years ago, the idea of having twins, or even triplets, was appealing. This time around, not so much. I’d rather not have twins, or any other amount of babies more than one at a time. I know that kind of sounds, well, I’m not sure, maybe, ungrateful? I don’t know. I know for those among us who don’t have children and have been trying for a baby for a very long time, won’t see it in the same light as I do. I hope my idea can be respected though, you see, having been a mother to a new born baby, I know the challenges I face should I go on to have another one. The idea of having to double up on those things actually fills me with dread. That’s the truth. It frightens me enough to not want to take clomid at all. 
So how about this cycle?

Well, I stopped taking the metformin and realised that until I see my gynae again, I’m going the natural way. My last cycle was only 32 days, another week or so and I should see aunt flow again, fingers crossed, I’d like to see her coming more often.

 In order to try and grasp what’s going on with my body, I’ve been tracking my symptoms using the apps that I use. I quickly realised that temping is a no go area for me, unfortunately. I can’t track my temperature properly because each night is different, sometimes I sleep through, other times I am woken up before my set alarm for temping, other times I’m woken in the early hours, each time I am woken up, it resets the amount of time I have to sleep in order to get an accurate basal body temp, since you should sleep a minimum of 3 hours before taking it. That doesn’t happen every day, so I have a lot of breaks in my temperature chart which is no good, it’s not giving me a good reading that way. So that’s out of the window. 

Next on my list is cervical position and cervical mucous. I check these once every other day or every day, depending on whether remember. Now, one of my two apps told me I was ovulating last week, the other tells me this week. My cervix hasn’t changed. It’s always, low, firm and closed, my fluid a sticky consistency. Not what is required of a cervix during ovulation. During ovulation a cervix should be soft, high open and wet (SHOW). Last week it softened a tiny bit but remained closed and low, my fluid staying the same, an indication that I am not ovulating.
This is something that bothers me. Because I check me cervix as often as I can and have been for months and months and my cervix is ALWAYS low, firm and closed. I’ve never once felt my cervix as SHOW, never. But I’ve had periods. So surely I’ve ovulated, right? Who knows? 

I’ve often thought that my cervix doesn’t work. Silly, I know, but what I mean to say is I think that it doesn’t alter at all, even if I do ovulate. It’s something I’ve been meaning to ask my doctor about but always avoid it because I feel that it sounds really stupid. I’ve even googled it and have come up with nothing, surly if there’s nothing on Google, my doctor will just laugh me out of his office!? I don’t know, I’ve now reached the point where I will mention it at my gynae appointment, next week.
If aunt flow shows herself when my app predicts her to show up, I’ll be surprised, I know for a fact that this cycle has not resulted in a pregnancy. I know I have not ovulated yet, which annoys me, because if aunt flow is going to show up when she’s due, it means one of two things, 1. I’m not ovulating at all, 2. My cervix is actually broken. What I want is for AF to come at the appropriate time, but without any indication of ovulation, I have the funny feeling that she won’t. 
Just as I think things are starting to regulate, I get the feeling I’m heading back to unreliable, irregular periods, again. What a vicious circle I find myself in.
I think I’m ready to give up on trying for a baby. I think I’m ready to stop. I’d go as far to say that I don’t want another baby, but I can’t bring myself to mean it. I’m fed up with chasing my tail on this one. My body doesn’t work. Not right now. I’m annoyed that I can’t track my temperature, I’m annoyed that my body doesn’t seem to respond to treatment. I’m annoyed of having this hung over my head. I’m annoyed that it’s taken this long already, I’m annoyed that my stupid body is stupid. 
I’m just annoyed. 
Maybe one day I’ll look back and laugh, maybe not. For now, I’m glad I’m not taking those horrible tablets, I’m glad that I have a beautiful daughter already. I’m Glad that life is good. All I need is a fully functioning body and I swear, I’d be he happiest person under the sun.
 

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4 thoughts on “My stupid body.

  1. Amy M. says:

    You can definitely have AF without ovulating…something I had no idea about until I started going through my IF stuff last year. Sucks, I know. Are you going to try the other form of Metformin? If you do, I hope it helps you out and that it doesn’t affect you like the other did. Don’t completely give up yet, but there’s nothing wrong with taking a break if you’re fed up at the moment. Take some time to relax and destress, and then if you feel like trying again, go for it!

    • Faye Elizabeth says:

      Thanks! Yeah, to be honest, I’m always up and down with this journey. There’s been more breaks than there has been ‘trying’ lol! I think I will try the metformin, if only to help me regulate. I think if it went as far as clomid, I’d stop our journey there and just leave it, do the whole, ‘if it happens, it happens’ thing.

  2. the creative heifer says:

    I really feel for you. It’s such an emotional thing trying to have a baby. I remember the feelings I had when I was trying when the doctors thought I might be broken and I was extremely upset, confused and frustrated.
    My brother and his wife have just started to try for a baby. She was adopted as a baby and had a very happy upbringing and they have said that adoption is an option that they are considering too.

    • Faye Elizabeth says:

      That’s awesome! My in laws are currently going through the fostering process, I really think it’s something so special!
      I know, being ‘infertile’ is horrible but I am thankful that I have already had a child. Years ago when I was trying for a baby with an ex, I remember how much my infertility made me ache, like a physical and mental pain that could only be filled with a child. I don’t feel that bad about it this time around. I think I’m more aggravated by the fact that I am irregular, I’d rather have regular periods and no more babies than continue being irregular lol

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