Our trying to conceive journey has been a very up and down situation. When we decided to try again, all I wanted was a baby. I spent the first 8 months of the journey completely period-less. By the time my first period arrived I was angry and frustrated by my body. I kept imagining over and over how much easier things would be if I just didn’t have my issues.
Slowly though, over time, I calmed myself and it got to the point where I actually didn’t want another baby. Life is good, I have some time to myself now. As more time goes by I imagine myself getting a job when willow goes into full time education. I still get these moments though, I know we want more kids, we’re both on the same page when it comes to kids, at least one more we say.
After having the laparoscopy, we were excited again, we realised that our journey was only, really, just beginning. I have been tracking my symptoms, taking my temperature, checking things, and making a note of everything. When I collected my metformin, I was so super excited, i started taking them and as if luck would have it, Aunt Flo turned up the very same day, that cycle being one of the shortest cycles of my life, my optimism was right up there with the rest of the best feelings and I was ready for this next chapter to unfold.
Three weeks later and I’ve had to stop taking them. They have been affecting me really badly, the side affect have been headaches, nausea and fatigue. They’ve caused my reflux to play up and I spent the best portion of last week really ill. On wednesday, I visited my GP and told him what I was experiencing, he told me to stop taking them straight away. He did tell me that I should have a few weeks off for them to leave my system as then I could go back and try a different type of metformin. Between now and then I have an appointment with my gynaecologist so I will speak to him instead.
So this cycle, well, apparently I am ovulating next week, that’s what my app says. I know I can’t rely on it 100% because of how irregular I have been but, ever the optimist, I’m hoping it’s got it right. I will be checking my temperature, CP and CM to see if it’s actually happening. Who knows, it just might?
In the grand scale of things, each time I find myself facing a set back, I find myself asking the same question, is this what I really want? I never imagined a big age gap between my children, I figured I’d have another one by now and the longer it goes on, the less I want it. The less I want nappies and bottle, the more I want a job and idependance, the more I want to be me again. Saying all that always raises the same fear, the longer I leave it, the harder it will be, the idea of not having another baby is horrible but the idea of it taking another two years is terrifying and not what I want. It’s a very contradicting frame of mind!
The least I can say at the moment is that we are just going to see what happens. There’s less pressure doing it that way. I just want to see my body behaving like a proper body, regular and predictable. That would make me happy. I am just going to continue to track my signs and symptoms, temperature, CP, and CM to see whether my body is actually going to ovulate.
That’s all I can do!
I hope everybody is well,