Swimming in thoughts.

Morning all! I thought I’d talk about my operation and my thoughts about it today.

My operation is now only 6 days away. I’ve been trying not to think about it much because it do find it very scary but trying not to think about isn’t easy when it’s late at night and everybody else is asleep.

Last night, I got into bed and tried to settle, I couldn’t settle, I felt too awake. I sat on my phone, scrolling through Twitter, Pinterest, tumblr and my WP reader, reading things, looking at pictures and so on. I started feeling tired and put the phone down, tucked my self into a ball and tried to go to sleep. I was laying there and started thinking about my operation and pretty much everything else to do with it.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am going to be having it and after researching it, I know the operation is a very common one, well, most of it is, the ovarian drilling isn’t as common as your standard laparoscopy but not uncommon enough for it not to be done. I am much more comfortable knowing I’ll be treated at a private hospital instead on our normal NHS hospital which, I absolutely hate, by the way. That’s a huge weight off my shoulders, knowing that I will get a better kind of treatment and probably a more knowledgeable Dr. The thoughts that catch me are weird and silly ones, I have the crazy thought that they will anesthetise me and my body will go to sleep but my mind will stay awake and I’ll be awake throughout the operation with no way of telling them that I am! The other weird one I have is this idea that the skin on my tummy is too thin, because I have lots of stretch marks after carrying willow and I just have this strange picture in my mind that my skin is to thin and when they cut the key holes and fill my belly with air, my skin will just tear because it’s not strong enough. 

Weird, I know.

The next thing on my list of things that scare me is my hips. Since having willow I have had something wrong with my hips. Every now and then they seem to slip out of place, not enough for me to fall or anything dramatic, they just seem to slip a little and I can’t stand up. I have to wiggle myself all weirdly until they eventually go back into place and I can move again. It happens mostly if I lay flat on a hard surface and well, operating tables aren’t made of marshmallow! The worst part about this, it’s excruciating pain when it happens! And I know from experience that I need to move myself about in a funny way to get it to go back in and if I’m have surgery on my tummy, I won’t be able to do that! I’ve had X-Rays on my hips but they’ve all come back saying that they can’t see anything. I’ve just gotten on with it. I’ve told myself it’s okay because, if my hips go while I am under, I’m in the best place for it to happen, the doctors should be able to help. Secondly, it never happens in my sleep, I know I don’t sleep on an operating table but, I wonder if it’s less likely to happen because my body is so relaxed? Either way, it scares the shit out of me because I know how bad it can get! I’m concerned about the aftermath of the operation too. I’ve read about the pains that can come from having a laparoscopy, where the air that gets used to inflate the tummy can get trapped in the shoulders and cause terrible pain! 

All these ideas just make me imagine that I will wake up with a bad hip that I can’t fix, pain from the operation around my middle and pain in my shoulders! 

I’m just going to be a steaming pile of pain! That really scares me.

I hate pain, pain makes me a terrible person, I get angry, frustrated and that can make me short with people, second to that, I also get very overwhelmed emotionally and I shake and worry and have a meltdown. 

I just keep imagining myself waking up in pain and proceeding to cry, uncontrollably while simutainiously trying to verbally abuse someone AND hug someone at the same time. 

Oh jheeze, my imagination is scary.

I’ve also got the other worries in general like, will the operation be successful, will they be careful, I hope they know what their doing and well, you get the picture.

The thing is, it’s not like I’m going in to have teeth removed, it’s my Lady Garden. Its the only part of my body that is capable of growing tiny little human babies, it’s only thing that can provide Meirion and I with more children and fill our future with the family we dream of. It’s a very important part of me, it’s my whole baby making factory they’re going to be digging around in and that thought alone is a scary one. I don’t want to have any mistakes or errors happen and it jeopardise my ability to carry another baby. 

It all makes me frustrated, if I didn’t have these problems, I wouldn’t have to have the operation and feel this way about everything.

Years ago I struggled with my PCOS and it made me feel like I wasn’t a real woman. I believe our purpose as humans is to reproduce and my problems meant I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do what I was born to do. Since having willow, I have learned to accept my PCOS for what it is. I don’t feel like less of a woman anymore and I value myself enough not to subject myself to those horrible thoughts but at times like this I just wish I didn’t have them. I wish my ovaries worked well, I wish I wasn’t potentially a sufferer of endometriosis, if none of those things were true, I wouldn’t be sat here typing up my fears over an operation to determine whether or not I have endometriosis, nor would I have to have up to 20 holes drilled into my ovaries to make them work.

It’s not fair but I have accepted that it needs to be done and over the next week, I will focus on making sure I am fit and healthy, well prepared and ready to start the next chapter in my life.

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7 thoughts on “Swimming in thoughts.

  1. heylittlesweetthing says:

    I understand how you feel re; not feeling like you are a real woman because you couldn’t conceive. It took us almost 3 years to get Izzy due to my mild PCOS, and much like your Willow, she was a big surprise. Your operation will be fine, you will be fine, you are amazing! X

    • Faye Elizabeth says:

      Aww! Ttc is a bitch! I’m glad you got your little miracle (who’s a beauty!) and you’re so longer suffering with the heartbreak of trying to make a baby! Thank you, I’m slowly getting used to the idea of having an op now but still a bit scared lol

  2. salwaadlyy says:

    Good luck with your operation and trust me none of these things will ever happen so don’t stress or worry because people do operations all the time and you needed to get better and Btw I love your blog πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ I wish you the best.

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