The weather here has been obnoxiously bad, we’ve had strong winds, rain and a little hail now and then. The days are dark and it’s a far cry from the usual sunny picture of spring. It’s been tough, starting off the Easter 2 week holidays with such poor weather and as much as I hate to admit it, it’s caught me off guard. At the beginning of the holidays I had big plans, time in the garden, arts and crafts, baking… I really was optimistic. It all started pretty well really, we made our Easter baskets and that was super fun, we’ve even done some baking which turned out surprisingly well considering my ovens dislike for anything Mary Berry! The problem I’ve had is dealing with four walls, the ever growing disappointment in the weather, the expectation of having good days which consequentially turn into those of disagreements and arguments between miss Kaboodle and I. I’ve been feeling a little lost, a little lonely. I can’t quite put my finger on what has changed because last week I was super happy and my days were all filled with excitement for the upcoming holidays. I guess reality can be a bitch sometimes and I feel like it slapped me in the face, hard. Expectations far greater than what’s been going on these last few days have knocked me off my natural high.
I decided I wasn’t going to have a bad day yesterday, we got up, good mods intact and I phoned my sister to invite her over for a few nights. Being separated from my siblings often means I have to wait until they’re on school holidays to spend a decent amount of time with them, even more so my sister, because sometimes there’s no one quite as good as a sister. The day was set, she was on her way to meet us and we were on our way to an Easter egg hunt. We met up with auntie F and made our way to the egg hunt. It turns out we had cut it too short and the hunts were over. Not to be disappointed, we went to a park anyway. We enjoyed the park but it was cut short due to an accident in the toilet department for miss willow, one of those ‘I’m too busy to stop’ moments.
We got home and within moments my sister told me she felt poorly, within the hour she was sick. I was beside myself with anxiety, for those of you who don’t know, I have emetophobia. My anxiety was at a high, worried about her, worried about catching it, willow catching it…. The list is endless, it’s an irrational fear and one hard to live with when the moment strikes. I arranged for auntie F to get collected and after she had left, proceeded to bleach and antibacterial wipe every corner, floor, surface, handle and I scrubbed the bathroom until it was clean enough for a surgical procedure. Then I changed my bedding and washed it before it could touch anything else (sis had a lay down on my bed) and opened all the windows upstair to clear the air. Another problem I have is my OCD so the hygiene/cleanliness/germophobe was in full swing. It wasn’t enough to calm me, it only did enough to make me think I had done what I could to avoid any contamination, it didn’t stop me from feeling ill or feeling like I was going to throw up (emetophobia). By the time I was done with cleaning, I was exhausted. Kaboodle dad came home and cooked us dinner, I ate less than usual because I was preparing myself for the worst, less goes in, less comes out. Bedtime rolled around and I was still panicking, worrying, checking for any signs of illness in my toddler. After Willow was tucked in, that’s when the panic and anxiety hit full motion, meirion had football which meant I was going to be home alone with a potentially infected toddler, while being potentially infected myself. I started to cry, I explained to meirion about it and he hugged me tight and told me everything was fine, he calmed me down and then went to football. After he had gone though, the tears came back at breakneck speed, I continued to cry for the best part of an hour. By the one of it, I felt like I had been hit by a bus and I just went to bed and watched some TV, I stayed awake long enough to see meirion come home but didn’t see much of the day after that. Dreams of sick and waking to a vomit covered toddler plagued me all night and this morning I am still apprehensive. I’ve calmed down but I feel drained, emotionally tired and uninterested in anything other than sitting down and reading/writing. I think it’s going to be a long day.