In years to come I imagine you saying something to me. I imagine you about 13 years old, in the throes of all those teenage hormones, you say to “why are you always having a go at me?”
I always follow this thought with another, what if you say this when you are only 5? Or 4? What if, right now in time, when I shout at you and you shout back the word “No!” Until you’re purple in the face, that is just you saying exactly the same thing but not in so many words?
I struggle with my temper sometimes, I know you know this, for all the times I’ve spent shouting at you which I know you will remember, I know will affect you at some point in your life. What if, when I shout I am installing negativity into you? What if when I shout at you, you feel shut out, alone and frightened? I don’t pretend that I’m not scary, I see it in your eyes sometimes when I am shouting. What if one day you say to me, “what did I do wrong?” dare I tell you that I shouted as loud as I possibly can because you spread some flour over our kitchen counter? Something that, In the future will not have affected anything at all, something that will seem like such a pitiful reason for shouting? Should I openly admit to you that you infuriated me? What if I shout one day, one time and you loose trust in me?
Baby, i love you, I adore you, I cherish you and I am besotted by your beauty, intelligence and wonderful personality but I am not a fan of your reluctance to listen to me. Oh you hear me, but you decide to ignore me. You understand what I am saying, you choose to ignore me and do what you want anyway.
You are fiercely independent and sometimes I feel like I can’t compete. You will climb and ignore me when I tell you not to. You will pull off all the sofa cushions and jump on the springy bit underneath, Even if I tell you not to. I place boundaries in front of you and you hulk your way through them like they’re made of spiders silk. Sometimes I can’t keep up with you, sometimes I have to let you get away with misbehaving because you have already brought tears to my eyes and competing against you again would break me.
There are days we share that could not go wrong, it’s like the stars have aligned and are shining down on us, on those day we are a team, we are friends, best friends with so much in common. And there are other days that I cannot compete with you, I am unable to entertain you, you are unhappy and disruptive, you will throw things, break things and be demanding.
I don’t know what causes you to be that way. Right now I am flying blind, everyday I spend being your mother is another day of education for me as a parent, I know I’m getting it wrong at times. I know I shout too loud sometimes. I know I can’t give you everything you want sometimes and that makes you unhappy but I hope that one day, you will say to me “thanks for everything mum.” And realise that for all the times I shouted and all the times I got angry I still came into your room while you slept, tucked you back in, kissed you again and whispered I love you.
You’ll always be important to me my dear girl, even at the times I am cross at you, I still love you. Please don’t forget that my little baby bear. X .