Why do you infuriate me?

Dear Daughter,

In years to come I imagine you saying something to me. I imagine you about 13 years old, in the throes of all those teenage hormones, you say to “why are you always having a go at me?”

I always follow this thought with another, what if you say this when you are only 5? Or 4? What if, right now in time, when I shout at you and you shout back the word “No!” Until you’re purple in the face, that is just you saying exactly the same thing but not in so many words?

I struggle with my temper sometimes, I know you know this, for all the times I’ve spent shouting at you which I know you will remember, I know will affect you at some point in your life. What if, when I shout I am installing negativity into you? What if when I shout at you, you feel shut out, alone and frightened? I don’t pretend that I’m not scary, I see it in your eyes sometimes when I am shouting. What if one day you say to me, “what did I do wrong?” dare I tell you that I shouted as loud as I possibly can because you spread some flour over our kitchen counter? Something that, In the future will not have affected anything at all, something that will seem like such a pitiful reason for shouting? Should I openly admit to you that you infuriated me?  What if I shout one day, one time and you loose trust in me? 

Baby, i love you, I adore you, I cherish you and I am besotted by your beauty, intelligence and wonderful personality but I am not a fan of your reluctance  to listen to me. Oh you hear me, but you decide to ignore me. You understand what I am saying, you choose to ignore me and do what you want anyway. 

You are fiercely independent and sometimes I feel like I can’t compete. You will climb and ignore me when I tell you not to. You will pull off all the sofa cushions and jump on the springy bit underneath, Even if I tell you not to. I place boundaries in front of you and you hulk your way through them like they’re made of spiders silk. Sometimes I can’t keep up with you, sometimes I have to let you get away with misbehaving because you have already brought tears to my eyes and competing against you again would break me. 

There are days we share that could not go wrong, it’s like the stars have aligned and are shining down on us, on those day we are a team, we are friends, best friends with so much in common. And there are other days that I cannot compete with you, I am unable to entertain you, you are unhappy and disruptive, you will throw things, break things and be demanding.

I don’t know what causes you to be that way. Right now I am flying blind, everyday I spend being your mother is another day of education for me as a parent, I know I’m getting it wrong at times. I know I shout too loud sometimes. I know I can’t give you everything you want sometimes and that makes you unhappy but I hope that one day, you will say to me “thanks for everything mum.” And realise that for all the times I shouted and all the times I got angry I still came into your room while you slept, tucked you back in, kissed you again and whispered I love you.

You’ll always be important to me my dear girl, even at the times I am cross at you, I still love you. Please don’t forget that my little baby bear. X .

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Why do you infuriate me?

  1. amommasview says:

    I know how difficult it is it to shout. I used to have the tendency to do it too. But I changed and I am glad I did. My son heard me shout at him. My daughter never did. I decided that I don’t want to be that person anymore. It is not easy. It takes a lot of self control and deep breathing. But it can be done. Just remember one thing: Most if the time the mess they make is not a mess to them. It is not done to make us angry or disappoint us. It is their little creation, something they are proud of and we just don’t see. Something they might have done for us, to make us happy.

    • Faye Elizabeth says:

      Thank you!
      I agree, I know she’s not doing to purposely to upset me and that she’s just doing what’s interesting to her in that moment, there are times I can take a deep breath and not shout but then there are times when I feel almost enraged and I would give nothing more than to walk away for a short time, of course, I can’t do it that so sometimes I just boil over… I feel very stuck on those days, when she’s disruptive and not listening as I never really know how to handle it, how to control my own anger. I’ve been thinking about doing lots of different things like a calm down jar for each of us, and when those moments happen, that we should both sit with our calm down jars and then talk…. I don’t know. I struggled with coping mechanisms all my life and being a mum had made t harder. Thanks for your comment and for taking the time to read my post 🙂

  2. Casey says:

    I’m dealing with the exact same situation with our girl (she’s 10, but emotionally 6 or 7). The crazy thing is, she knows (we’ve discussed and she openly agreed) she’s doing the opposite of what I ask…on purpose. How to deal with it consumes about 50% of my brainpower these days. Common advice is, “just ignore it,” but some things…you can’t really ignore. Safety of the child, of the animals, of the household, of the irreplaceable heirloom–all of these considerations come into play…and what about the fact that if I ignore her thumbing her nose at me, she thinks she wins (and flaunts it)? On the other hand, she’s doing it for attention (she’s admitted this, as well), so if I engage her, she thinks she’s winning then, too. Don’t these things come with a manual??? 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s