my poem childless was written when I was roughly 19, I may have even been 18.
I’ve kept it all this time because it has always meant so much to me, I rememebr writing it and feeling deeply connected to my words emotionally. It’s something that has always stayed with me, my infertility.
A bit of a back story.
I was with an ex partner when I wrote this. I had wanted a baby for some time, I know I was very young but when you’re ready, you’re ready. The relationship I had with that person was horrible, I certainly don’t know why I wanted a family with him, I am very grateful to my PCOS for stopping that one from happening! I argued, day and night with my ex partner who blamed me for our childless situation, he called me many names and told me I was a bad woman because I couldn’t get pregnant, and thats what women do. So, when I talk in the poem about how trying for a baby can cause arguments it was at the point it was written, that it was true. I don’t doubt that trying for a baby can cause arguments, I know they can, but I no longer have that issue.
I’ve only very briefly spoken about Kaboodle Dad and I trying for another baby, We don’t argue or fight about it, we discuss how it feels. We both want to expand our family and we both know about my fertility issue, I guess what I’m trying to say is, the majority of this poem still rings true, the emotions felt while trying to conceive, the way it can make you feel down, I still have those feelings. I don’t have them as often as I did back when this poem was written but I don’t allow my fertility to affect my day to day life like I used to, I’ve learnt to accept myself for who I am. I have days when I feel down and wonder how easy life would be if I just didn’t have it but I pick myself up and move on. I didn’t have that strength when I wrote this poem, I was alone then but I’m not alone now. I am fortunate enough to have an extremely supportive partner who is, not only patient, but is understanding and warm, who accepts that I have this issue and doesn’t mind that it may take some time to have another child. I have Willow too, my beautiful girl, between the support and love from both of those people, I know everything will be alright.
Most importantly, I know that my fertility issues are not my fault, they never were, they never will be.
And to any woman out there who suffers the same misfortune, I say the same, don’t blame yourself, it’s not your fault, it never has been, it never will be. You’re not alone, there are millions of other women who suffer the same, I’m one of those women and I am here.