Recently I’ve been dreaming a lot about water. There seems to be some sort of form of water in every dream I can recall upon waking. I’ve dreamt of floods and heavy rain, swimming and puddles. It’s been a key feature to most of my dreams and even though I don’t ever discuss my dreams on my blog, I wanted to share this.
I feel very connected to my dream life, quite often I am affected by my dreams and they’re always a strong topic of conversation for me. I have a trusty old dream interpretation book that lives under my side of the bed. More often than not I can figure out the reason behind the dream but this water has been throwing me off.
A few nights ago I dreamt that I was caught in a really heavy rain fall and found myself trying to tuck myself under something for shelter. I was in a rainforest or somewhere tropical because there were Palm trees and long grass, I was using a side of a cliff as shelter, while I was hiding from the rain, across from me was a very large spider, I was frightened of the spider because I am scared of them in my waking life but for love nor money could I look away from this spider. I watched it trying to keep its web safe from the terrible rain and it fought hard to keep its web sturdy in the wind. I woke up before I had a chance to see the rain stop and how the spider fared.
The dream stuck with me so I went to get my book.
I Read the three separate subjects and felt that they were all connected. They all had strong connections to my inner emotions and I couldn’t shake that the connection was my mother.
it sounds strange, up until about 4 weeks ago, I hadn’t spoken to her for nearly two years. I had to contact her briefly because I had received an email on her behalf and it was important. I was reluctant, but I had to.
After our conversation finished I felt that maybe I had led her on, we’d spoken about life and I felt like I was talking to my mum, we had a totally genuine conversation.
I was happy to finally end the phone call, I felt like I was leading her on. I felt that despite my obvious effort to avoid her for the last two years, she had forgotten that anything had ever gone wrong with our relationship. I was overwhelmed with emotion when our phone call ended and ended up having a really long chat with Meirion about it.
Clearly I had buried these emotions. To be honest I thought I had forgotten them. On new years day I received a “happy new year” text off her. I was taken back to how I felt after our phone call, I know you don’t know the back story of my relationship with my mum but my thoughts at the time were “does she think everything is okay now?” I felt obliged to reply, yet again. But I still felt awful and deceitful. I was glad when she didn’t reply.
So, back to my strange watery dreams, I felt that the emotional meanings behind the water, spider and rain all broke down to everything I had been feeling, bottling up, about my mother.
Two nights ago I had another dream that included water, I was in a cavern being chased by big black dogs, strangely enough they had red eyes and they breathed fire.
I was at the top, on a cliff in the cavern, the dogs were at the bottom and they couldn’t reach me. There was a pool at the bottom of the cavern too, the dogs clambered into the water but the water extinguished their flames and killed them. I woke up.
I figured since there was water in my dream yet again, I would read about the black dogs.
It stuck, depression and death. Fear of death, they represent how I feel. I’m scared my mum might die, people who live the life she leads often do. I’ve always had a fear of loosing her, the idea of unfinished business, unsaid words, no more “I love you big much” being said to me. It’s never sat right with me. I continue to avoid her because I don’t want Willow involved. I don’t want to be involved.
It’s more often than not I will say, “I miss My Mum, not her.”, she’s a changed woman, not the mother who nurtured me, brought me up. She’s a stranger. But, I couldn’t shake how much these dreams and their definitions reached my core. I’m no stranger to morbid thoughts and in this instance, I find myself in fear. I’m scared that my dreams are telling me to reconnect with my Mother because something bad is going to happen, that she might die.
Of course, my inner monologue is a voice of reason, “don’t be stupid, it’s just a dream.”
And that’s just it, BUT.
It might not be. It might be an omen, a sign, an unexplainable reason to speak to her.
Stranger things have happened, right?
I text her, I just thought if I started with the simplest of things, it might eventually amount to something.
I’m weary, a lot of water has gone under the bridge when it comes to my mother, I don’t know if there’s room for more, I don’t know if I am doing a good thing, a bad thing or a just-plain-stupid thing, but I have to try. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try, should anything bad happen.