One day, maybe never or always.

I just found this little gem hidden amongst my older posts. I was going to delete it but I figured I wouldn’t because I actually really enjoyed reading it 🙂 it’s dated June 30th 2014.

I find myself daydreaming of times when I had money to buy myself new clothes and pretty accessories. Expensive make up and trips to the salon for a new hair do, set of nails or eye brow wax are all distant memories, I miss those days. I miss having freedom to do what I want when I want to do it. I miss getting that Friday feeling, letting my hair down and socialising with friends on Friday and Saturday nights. I miss dancing, late night movies and meals out in new restaurants. I miss having dates with my man, drinking hot chocolate, talking shit and slagging other people off. I miss having the odd windfall when my horse comes in. I miss playing cards until the early hours and yawning with a smile the morning after. I miss school and the time it gave me to explore new things and the spare time I had to spend with friends, climbing trees and building dens. I miss falling asleep on the sofa and being carried to bed by my dad. I miss listening to the smurfs and making silly dances. I miss having my hair washed by my mum and how it would always tickle. I miss watching you’ve been framed and gladiators. I miss being an only child and stealing my parents time to make them watch me do handstands and cartwheels. I miss having my own room, pink things and soft toys. I miss being cuddled to sleep and smothered in kisses. I miss loosing my teeth and believing that the tooth fairy exists, Santa, the Easter bunny. I miss being little and having nothing to be concerned about. I’d say I miss being a baby but I don’t remember those days.

There’s so many things to miss when you’re an adult. A parent.

The truth is; there’s always time. It won’t always be this way. I know know day I’ll get my not-so-keen hubby on a plane. I know one day I’ll see and touch and climb the Eiffel Tower, like I have always dreamed. I will get that tattoo I’ve always wanted and the shoes I don’t need but I actually really do.
I know one day I’ll have money spare enough to not know what to buy. I know one day I’ll look back and smile at harder times, dark days and darker nights. I’ll realise I leant more about myself during my post natal years than I ever have in my entire life. I’ll smile and only vaguely remember how difficult it was, and I’ll kid myself by saying it wasn’t that bad.
One day, I’ll be old and I’ll wish I had my working joints. One day I’ll be wise and wish I silly again. One day I’ll be grey and wish I enjoyed my natural hair colour instead of wanting to be every other colour instead of it. One day I’ll be frail and wish I was agile again. Soon enough I’ll be slow and wish I had the energy of youth. One day I’ll be old, I’ll be stood, looking out to sea, with a hot chocolate in one hand, my hubby’s hand in the other, talking shit and slagging off other people, maybe we’ll say how ridiculous teenagers look and how things were different in our day. This day. Today.

This one day is my history, I know it now but I take no notice. This one single day could be the one day I remember distinctly, or maybe I won’t. Maybe this one day will fade, like many before it, into distant places in my brain never to be seen or thought of again. I know now that I wish and want much more than I do. Maybe my older self will tell me now something I don’t know. If I were older and telling me now something I think I should know but I don’t but I do in the future I would tell me “DO MORE, Faye! Make your wishes come true, you’ll be sorry if you don’t.”
One day I will. One day.

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