Being a parent is one of the most precious and rewarding things that anyone can do, ever, in their life.
Being a mum fills me with pride everyday. It fills me with joy. It gives me something to wake up for, something to make a better person of me, a reason to do everything I do and why I live and love the life I lead.
With all the positives of parenthood there are darker moments too.
How upsetting it can be to feel totally useless in moments you need to be strong. How hard sleepless nights really are, how scary it is seeing your little one choke for the first time when trying solids, or even scarier moments like when they fall, bump, bruise, scrap or brake themselves.
Illnesses creep up and put the brakes on life, tummy bugs, Coughs and colds, teething, these are all things that we hear about and read about more times than not when it comes to learning about babies and children.
There’s another dark side of parenting that occurs which isn’t often discussed. Even I have had the majority of this post typed up and ready for posting but I’ve held back because I wasn’t sure how it would be received.
Irrational and morbid thoughts.
I get these thoughts. Sometimes they’re scary, no I lied, they’re always scary. They consist of dark ideas, strange things happening and other really obscure things.
They mostly surround me, Meirion (kaboodle dad) and Willow.
In some, I may die, and meirion and willow are left to grow up together without me. I imagine meirion feeling overwhelmed and finding it hard to cope and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I imagine meirion dying somehow and me and willow are lost without him, our life completely changes and my heart breaks. I imagine having a day, when willow is older and telling her about her daddy and how amazing he was, showing her photos.
Every night, I check on willow before I get into bed and an image of finding her motionless and not breathing flashes through my mind, every night, even now, 2 and a half years later.
Now Willow walks more than she rides in her pram I imagine I have somehow swapped kids with a stranger and I’m walking along holding someone else’s child’s hand.
I’ve imagined myself passing out or falling and willow being home alone, with no one looking after her until Meirion comes home. Would she be in a safe place? What if I had left her playing with her toys, what would she get up to if I were unconscious? What if she fell? What if something fell on her?
There are probably a million scenarios I have irrationally thought over the 2 years since I’ve become a mum. And I’ve never really known why I think them, they come at any given time, I could be having a great day and then something will cross my mind.
I’ve learned to shrug it off now, but some are more affective than others. Some are darker than others. Some completely captivate me and I just have this scene of overwhelming nonsense in my mind but I can’t switch it off, it’s like I have to watch it.
I’ve seen another post today and it’s made me realise that I’m not the only one, another blogger I follow, The Pinterested Parent brought up how her morbid thoughts make her feel and how death scares her too in her post irrational mommy thoughts. I feel compelled almost, to join her and help other mums know that they’re not alone, to show that these thoughts are just something else that comes along with parenting.
You don’t have to be a parent to have morbid thoughts, they can happen to anyone. Mine happen because I imagine bad things happening to my family but that doesn’t have to be the only reason. Other people imagine themselves getting hurt, their animals, the public, the list is endless.
I’ve researched morbid thoughts and there isn’t a lot of solid information just lots of forum posts on various different websites.
There’s a connection between thoughts like these and OCD, anxiety, depression and stress.
I’m assuming that mothers, maybe even fathers, have more regular occurring morbid thoughts after having their baby because things like post natal depression, anxiety and stress come along with the territory, new parents can also develop OCD tendencies too. Maybe that’s why they happen.
Either way they do, they come and go as quickly as the day. They may affect us negatively, change our mood and make us worry more than is necessary but it is something that happens regularly, not just to you, but to me, that person sat opposite you on the train or in a coffee shop. The same things have happened to your family members and friends. Don’t be afraid to mention this to someone, if you have thoughts like these, you just might realise that you don’t have to suffer in silence. If you feel that your thoughts are overwhelming you too much, visit your doctor, there may be an underlining issue causing you to have them, your doctor will not think you’re crazy because this is something that happens to more people than we realise. Me being one of those people.