Ouch! My heart!

As you know yesterday was a train wreck, I managed to make mistakes left, right and centre.
I reached the late afternoon in a haze of anger, hunger and depression.

The kaboodle kid and I weren’t good friends yesterday, I take full responsibility, we just had one of those days because of my silliness. After having such a mish mash day I couldn’t wait to have my dinner, have a bath and relax. Kaboodle Dad got home from work and the atmosphere improved slightly, that was until miss kaboodle decided she wasn’t getting enough attention from daddy. I figured they needed some time alone so I went off to prepare and cook our dinner.
Dinner was fine, could’ve tasted a bit better really but I digress. After dinner I was cleaning up. I was washing the dishes and all of a sudden there were screams outside out house, I could here music…..Christmas music!
It was SANTA!
Kaboodle Dad, willow and I quickly put our shoes and coats on and went running out the door to see Santa!

Willow wasn’t sure, she’s never really been a fan of people who look odd. She’s never liked people in costumes, anything out of the ordinary just, kind of, scares her.
Santa was no exception but she wanted to look, her little eyes were wide and bright as they reflected the lights of his sleigh. She did wave to him but she wouldn’t go any closer without shaking her head and saying no very quickly.
Christmas songs were playing, we sang along and had a little dance but I could see willow was cold so we went home.
When we got home I told her to take off her coat, she turned around and I could see she didn’t quite look okay.
I asked her if she was okay and she turned around to me with a wobbly bottom lip and said no. I wondered what was wrong so I picked her up and asked her again what was the matter.
She started to cry and said “mummy I see Santa,” so I said “I know baby, we seen Santa,” she cut me off mid sentence and burst out crying while saying “my presents, mummy. My presents.”

My heart broke.

She was upset because she thought that Santa didn’t bring her any presents!

I feel the same heartache I felt last night just writing about it. Her little face was wet with fresh tears and she could hardly get her words out between each cry, couple that with the copious amount of snot she was producing and the cough that teamed up with it, she was a little ball of emotional mess.
I hugged her tight and explained that Santa was just coming for a visit, that he wasn’t quite ready to deliver presents yet and that he had to go back to the North Pole to give Rudolph his dinner and help the elves finish making presents.
All my explaining eventually did the trick and she calmed down.

In those moments of pure emotion, her being upset that Santa had possibly forgotten her, me feeling emotional because my baby was sad, we forgot about our day. We were nothing more than mother and daughter. We weren’t friends, we’re weren’t enemies. There was no conflict. I was being her mother and she was being my confused toddler. Nothing else mattered, not the stain on the wall, the paint on the floor, the dishes that didn’t get finished or the bland food I’d cooked.
Nothing else had any significance. Just her and her tear stained face.

Sometimes being a mum is one of the hardest things to do. When I have moment like these, when willow is nothing more than my daughter and I am nothing more than her mother, I tend to think of my own mother and how much she misses out on. I think about what I miss out on.
I forget the anger and resentment and just remember my Mum. She is the reason I am who I am, for all the rights and all the wrongs, she is why I am who I am, the mother I am today.
I thank her for that, even in her absence. She taught me how to be the best mum for my girl, how to get it right, even if I get it wrong, I’ve never really failed, I’ve just made a small mistake.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, even after having such a ‘bad’ day, I still went to bed knowing that my daughter had my undivided attention, my whole hearted understanding and my endless love the moment she needed it. And nothing else mattered.

Have a great day people!
Lots of love,
Kaboodle Mum! Xx

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